Every Ghetto, Every City

Evidence

MK — Mon, 15 Mar 2010 21:50:42 +0000

I know who I am
I know who I want to be
내가 누군지 알어?
I know

So, don’t you tell me otherwise

I understand that I don’t fit your ideal image of this definition of me
But what gives you the authority to speak against me?
너는 누구야?

I am a proud Korean American

I understand my people’s struggles and am quite aware of my people’s history. I practice the culture like any of you, so what gives you the power to question me? 너는 누구니?

I may look different
I understand I have darker skin than most Korean Americans, but that does not mean you can challenge my pride and my upbringings,
I understand I wear more nontraditional clothing, your definition of “provocative” but what I wear does not take away from who I am.
I may not be your traditional Korean daughter, but that does not mean I am not Korean at all.
I may speak articulately with a more Americanized accent, but that does not mean I’ve lost my native tongue.
You assume I am not able to speak the language.

But actually, for your information,
I am fluent in Korean
I write
책을 핞이 일고
I speak
I am able to converse with 니 엄마랑 내 엄마.

Quite frankly, I don’t understand it.
There are two big Korean associations I’ve seen my entire life
The Korean Christians,
매일 매일 교회어ㅣ 가고 예배도 들이고 친구랑 착하게 놀고
What about me?
Do I not go to church regularly?
나는?
It’s hard when I’m left without a community to call my own, especially in a community I allegedly belong in
I am indeed spiritual
I am quite aware of my faith and can reassure myself of that

But no
I differ from your description of Christianity
Why is it?

With the other Korean outlet, I wonder why the fuck I am considered an outcast?
I am indeed quite social
Ask anyone
But no, I don’t practice your idea of social
I am not one to drink all night and wake up and drink all day
I’m sorry
I know who I want to be and it’s not that
I am not one to accept your party favors and all these different methods of happiness
For that is not the kind of social I choose not be
Is that wrong of me?
Does that make me less Korean?
너는 누구야?

You tell me that I’m assimilated
I am way to Americanized, too radical, too gay, too rough-around-the-edges, too non-conforming, too extreme, too open-minded, too social, but not social enough
Or you tell me I’m too politicized for your taste

I stop
And I think

In attempts to counter your arguments, I yell:
“At least I am not apathetic. At least I can speak the language. At least, at least, at least…”

But then I take a moment and pause

I realize that these disagreements cause more friction within our community.

Without a community you cannot be yourself. The community is where we draw the strength needed to effect changes inside of us. Community is formed each time more than one person meets for a purpose. Development of community depends on what the people involved consent to.

We are one community, a small portion of Korean Americans, a minority
And we must leave evidence of our existence
Evidence that we are here; we have lived; we have survived; evidence of who we are and who we choose to be
In solidarity without letting the world tell us otherwise

I know who I am
I know who I want to be
내가 누군지 알어?
I know

Filed under: Doo Wop (That Thing)

In response to the chain of hate on UC campuses, to the administration of these universities, Excuse you

MK — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 09:37:39 +0000

A bucket of chicken wings
With a complimentary piece of watermelon
Your idea of a reward
My idea for further subjected to racism
The Compton Cookout,
The ghetto as your entertainment
Easy womyn, gold teeth, grease and cheap clothes
You see this as your reality
I see this as a total disregard and utter disrespect
Your notion of fun and games
My enslavement in your mentality
To honor black history month,
You stereotype black culture blatantly undermining our existence
I challenge your thought
And you unacknowledged my questions
Excuse you

You see my characteristics
You assume my intersectionalities
A swastika on my door
Red spray paint splattered across my heart
Your idea of deliverance
My definition of hate crime
Lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer
Faggot
Your choice of word
My fear exposed
Bolted above a once established safe space
You target my vulnerabilities
You rape my identities
Excuse you

In overcrowded classrooms with the promise of higher education
I am one of 100s
Called out by you to speak for my people
Further generalizing about all peoples, not you
You categorize me as the exception
You deem me as lucky, re-emphasizing that I am probably a ghetto benefiting from affirmative action, disregarding my capabilities
Restaurants, stores and all public settings
I notice your eyes lock to my location
You clutch your bags
Judgment anticipates
as you await a swift beating of your justice from your police
Excuse you

The noose on the seventh
Surrounded by your book, your education
You discourage my presence
You threaten my existence
The KKK mask on the Dr. Seuss statue
You strip my innocence
You blind the world’s reality with your racist displays and hateful propaganda as it cripples my very soul
Excuse you

I defy your leadership
And we dispute your authority
We revolt as a community, speak as a family
You refer to this as gang tactics
You fear the outcome of thousands of people of color and our allies as we mobilize statewide demanding inclusivity
You see this as radical nonsense
I see it as a collective struggle
We are the “now” generation, seeking emancipation against your abusive parents
You are the oppressor
And I will no longer be oppressed
Excuse you

Filed under: Doo Wop (That Thing)

Late

MK — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 08:22:33 +0000

I was late
Distracted by the moving pictures
That captivated my easily persuadable mind
Everyday
Of sleeping, eating, casual reading and lots of stimulating puzzles
Rather than
Forced to learn about hypocratic bureatic education
Institutionized learning
I’d rather learn from my peers,
My experiences
Often questioning why I’m here at the university
So excuse me
I don’t apologize

Filed under: Doo Wop (That Thing)

False hope. False love.

MK — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 11:16:01 +0000

“Truly loving another means letting go all expectation. It means full acceptance, even a celebration of another’s personhood.”

Karen Casey

Filed under: Tell Him

Would I cuddle with him again?

MK — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 08:21:33 +0000

Have you ever loved someone so much it hurt? Truthfully, no. And as I write this I’m referring to a romantic love. The last person I’ve truly cared about was Nathan. It’s awkward because it even shocks me but the bad boy with tattoos really makes me hot. To explain my adoration for Nathan, and I’d like to emphasis that this is post-high school, Nathan is your typical bad boy. You know the type the tempormental douchebag, not really smart but not really dumb, just always there. A person who needs you, to tell you the truth. He’s the type to always get in trouble and in an essence I’m the person who likes to help a person, save them. This brings me to my next point, or next person, Kellen. He’s, well let’s just say we’ve been through a lot in a limited time period. He’s different than Nathan. I think their only commonality is that they’re white. But Kellen and I just friends, or getting back to being friends, we’re getting back your comfortable roots, despite the distance between us. I’m just curious where I’m going or what I’m doing. I feel like I coming to the end of the road and have not made any impactful on love.

Filed under: Killing Me Softly

Your

MK — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 00:13:53 +0000

Too exposed to your bullshit
Your lies
Your promises
Your conceptualized land of opportunity
I believed it
Your institutions
Your degree
Your education, your thoughts, your principles
And now all I see is
Your legislation
Your alleged resolutions, your conclusions, your solutions
Your incarceration of my people
Your sentencing to my independence
Your hands
And your white guilt

Filed under: Doo Wop (That Thing)

Thrills from street racing

MK — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 04:04:13 +0000

In the middle
Loud sounds, fast movement, rush of air
Floating unconsciously
And drifting against all motions of social acceptance
Grieving for the loss of love, of beauty, of appreciation
I’m kind of dead
Lying dangerously in the middle of the road
One step forward, one step back, collisions while i’m
In the middle

Filed under: Doo Wop (That Thing)

He used to be so beautiful

MK — Fri, 19 Feb 2010 02:46:47 +0000

He used to be so beautiful
And I loved him
But then, that white bitch showed up,
Into my school,
Into my neighborhood,
Into my life.
At first, he distanced himself from her
Upon her arrival
She was the talk of the school, the new “it” girl
Her alleged beauty left people speechless
But I knew her kind,
That type, always hanging out with those glamorous people
So I kept to myself
And I assumed he would
He loved me
He didn’t need her
He loved me
Me,
Not her
But I was wrong
Soon after their first hallway run-in after the second period bell
He met her
He grew curious about her,
Infatuated with the thought of her,
Never in his life beyond the small walls of Bellflower did he meet someone so chic
And he had to experience her
He craved her
So, it happened
It started
He snuck around with her,
Continued to see her behind my back
Told me these bullshit stories of how much he loved me
How it was all in my head
And how I was overreacting
And I loved him
So I believed him
He would phone in the afternoon: “I’m at the skate park, baby”
“I’m going to John’s house”
And I would trust him
I loved him
I couldn’t doubt him now
Not now
From the beginning, we were so compatible
So in-love
He was the peanut butter and I was his jelly
Together, we were inseparable
The perfect peanut butter and jelly sandwich, hold the crust
A perfect man,
My perfect man,
He stimulated my mind, challenged my insight
Offered new profound perspectives
Gave me such enlightenment
Satisfied me mentally, emotionally, sexually
And spiritually, he was always there for me
But then, our love didn’t matter
He grew “busy”
And the phone calls stopped and the late night adventures ended
And I felt him slipping from the grasps of my fingertips
I tried to call him
But I already knew, she had already infiltrated him
Passing period, I’d see him with her
I was jealous of her for being with him, comforting him, serving as the other half of him
But even more, I was scared for him
Frightened
That white bitch
That white bitch occupied his entire life
She raped his mind
And his character was lost
That white bitch broke-down his body as his tireless eyes stared me down cold
She impaired his once adorable imperfections
And I continued to love him as she continued to blind him of my love
Of my existence
That white bitch enslaved him
From the four chambers of her poisonous soul
Twitching in a world of paranoia, constantly wiping his sick running nose
He was addicted to her
Cracked out and addicted
And I missed him
I was still addicted to him
His presence
Him wrapped around my body
Us,
Alone, together
But no
That white bitch came
And introduced him to a world of pain
Then that bitch pulled my heart leaving it in the rain to bleed into the sewers
She was a heartless bitch
A disease
The epidemic who stole my once perfect man
It killed me
Forced a knife in one hand
I tried to fix everything, reclaim back my man, my life
One night
I ran to his house
But at the sight of his face, I knew it was too late
I was replaced
That white bitch, she was no me
For I was laid-back, independent
And she, that bitch, she was high fashion, Hollywood, so non-dependable
But she was the new me
She was his jelly
His damaged, eyes bursting, nose twitching, pale, skinny as fuck, on-edge jelly
And I was completely lost
Leaving him to die from the hands of that white bitch
Best friends with Mischa Barton and partying all night with Lindsey Lohan
He was forever lost in her arms,
In the arms of that white bitch
In the arms of cocaine

He used to be so beautiful

Filed under: Doo Wop (That Thing)

Happy Valentine’s Days

MK — Sun, 14 Feb 2010 10:41:59 +0000

Your beauty encompasses your
Confidence
And your passion speaks loudly
Of your character. Your
Smile reveals
Your liberation and reaffirms your presence,
Often covering up all my
Insecurities.

Filed under: Doo Wop (That Thing)

Meteor Shower

MK — Thu, 11 Feb 2010 03:55:06 +0000

I can finally see
That you’re right there beside me
I am not my own
For I have been made new
Please don’t let me go
I desperately need you

Where does that leave me? I am socially awkward, but socially accepted person doomed by fear. Without a mother; without the emotional guidance of a family; and now even without a child. I wonder if I will ever find love, acceptance, find self-validation. Furthermore, I wonder if I will find my peace of mind. Scared to get hurt; fearful of revealing my inner self, frightened and left alone, sitting in the dark. Without friends, for friendships comes-and-go, especially in a span of one-year. Where does this leave me? But… in a corner, running away from the light, the world. Him, he, my, everything; stripped; left to my and I’m naked; I’m so alone… in a world where best friends die. Where does this leave me? Even the imitation of him desserts me in a broken island, injured, pleading for help, leg amputated and alone. Where does this leave me? Where? The suitors are not him and the imitators have proven to be nothing but disappointments. Where does this leave me? I dream as I write. What if I left, I went back to him, left the abandonment of the misery of this world, rejected all the imitations and swam back, tired, underwater, in the arms of him. Please don’t let me go. I desperately need you.

Filed under: Killing Me Softly